Rex is 2.5 year old. He still acts like a little puppy but I feel like he is starting to understand a lot of things. But he is not like Pepe in a lot of ways, especially his barking. He barks a lot.
The other day I got a letter from the condo saying they received the claim from neighbors complaining about his barking during passing on the hallway. Wow, for that split second just because you walk like a giant elephant and that bothers him? That was so petty. We are trying hard not to get him to bark, but I don't know if he will ever get it. It's okay we still love you Rex.
I have been feeling crappy. Crappy because I decided to pretty much give up on baby situation. I just don't have the money. I already spent a lot. Plus paying 500 dollars average every month for needle work and herbs was getting too much for so little that I make. I just cannot afford to any treatment any more, and Edie was starting to make me feel shitty about not being able to go enough, or not taking full herbs. I hate feeling shitty. I start to wonder if its coming from her heart or she just wants clients money. Herbs are too expensive and the way that her staff keep quitting on them, makes you wonder. So I quit. I will probably not go back ever. She was there when I needed some kind of support and I tried. I switched the doctor, and tried a few things. But IT didn't work. I tried all that I can. I tried iVF and IUI many times and needles...herbs but I am good now. I don't want to feel miserable and focus on this negativity. Instead, I rather start living.
So it's okay, Rex is still around. He is our baby. I know Pepe wants me to be a mom, but I don't know how to. if praying gets me anywhere close to having one, by adoption or whatever that is great. But I tried for a year and a half and I am good now. I had enough. I don't wish to stay this way.
If I can't be a mom, I have to figure out a way to become successful somehow. So what do I do now? After all my years of working in Japan, and here, I wanted to wind down and relax. It was never my intention to become financially super successful plus I had a panic disorder so I didn't think I would be able to do that. But I am so tired of living paycheck to paycheck and work so hard just to pay bills,. And to get offended when I find out when this bitch was also working doing the same thing I do without telling me about it, she could have at least told me about it but she just kept it to herself, what a selfish self-centered copycat!? But they can do whatever they want to do and get their way. There is probably a reason why she get s job because of her way of making people feel like they are on the same page because she gets people to vent and complain like she always does. It works for her, and that's fine. I can't control who does what.
The thing is, I hate taking this little thing to my concern. Its all because I don't have enough job or money. We are all fighting for work opportunities and I really feel like I don't have enough work. That is why i feel like I need to concentrate on my career. It's not too late, I need to tell myself... because somehow I need to try harder. I have to shift my focus on getting successful and not have to worry about money. Money won't betray you is what my dad says. and it's true. I can pay medical bills for Rex if something happens to him because it can be a lot when something happens. If I have enough money, I don't have to worry like whether I have enough to pay to keep him alive. I couldn't do a lot of things I wanted to do for Pepe. Even fi I did, maybe he didn't live that long, but still I wanted to do the best and feel like I wasn't able to do a whole lot when he was suffering. I also could have bought the $150-200 ash thing but instead I bought that smaller one because I didn't have enough money.
If I don't have enough, I cannot do anything. Baby costs money if it's not natural. I had plenty opportunities while I was young, but I was afraid. I was terrified of what my dad would say. I felt like I could not stand up for myself to protect the baby. I am paying the price now for all the mistakes I had made.
I have to somehow focus on becoming financially stable and worry-free. Because I think that's making me feel so small. Fighting for my limited work. I am mad at myself for losing all that attention that I had. I still feel like the world is against me. Even though I did NOTHING wrong, and it was his fault. See, there goes again my hate fro him. When I get angry, I try to think that karma will get to him, but it's still hard to let go completely because I lost everything. Maybe Hawaii is not good for my any more, but its where I got better from my PD so I really don't have confidence to move somewhere else and be happy,. I am just tired of feeling crappy but trying to stay positive. Why is it that people who complain so much still get their way? Life doesn't seem fair.
I wanted to travel but again, I don't have money to trovel. I don't want to depend on nobody. But if thats the case, I can't travel without having enough money. I am stuck. I think I need to travel and want to go back to Japan but that is not until October.
So stuck. Stuck in Hawaii, Stuck with life.
