Pepe has been popping up on my head a LOT the last few days. I have been stressing out about properly registering Rex as a emotional support animal so that we don't get evicted from my own home due to the building's rule. I got Rex registered as emotional support animal on a registry but the board still needed a doctor's note. I was reluctant about going to see a counselor to get this doctor's note. I have been under a lot of stress and probably a counselor will do me good, but I just didn't feel like seeing anyone after Dr David Tom has quit. He was a really great counselor, but I wasn't sure if the new one would understand me. I called this one place and the line wasn't working. So I took it as a sign that it's probably not meant to be for me. My fiancé told me that he found something online that I can apply for. Awww lifesaver. So I took the online test to see if doctor could write me a note.
To finish this test it took me at least 30 minutes. So many questions and so many deep wounds popped up. I felt depressed after the test because I was reminded of how much bullshit that I dealt with in my life. My life has certainly not been the easiest one. All kinds of emotion awaken...mad and sad... I was drained after the test. I also realized that I really needed a therapy dog anyway for what I have gone through. So it made sense to register Rex.
The test had one question about whether I had a really good example or encounter with a dog that helped my situation, and I had to describe how he helped me. I was writing about how Pepe helped me heal. He came to the studio with me everyday to calm me down when panic or anxiety was coming on, he and I were always together and he gave me so much comfort and should have been the official therapy dog. Without him in my life, I probably still struggled with PD. I didn't need medicines any more because of Pepe. I took xanax only like 1 or twice during the messy divorce, but that was about it. He was always there for me, and whenever I had him in my arms, I felt safe.
After he passed away, I felt like my panic would come back and I literally panicked, but my fiancé helped me so much so I was able to survive his death. He also got me a new dog right away so that really helped me too. See, I really needed a dog for my emotional stability.
I don't just have a dog, but I need a dog for my mental stability. Pepe was my emotional support dog, and because he was my ETA, after he was gone, I needed another dog to fill that space, and that's Rex. He is still in the training period because he is still a puppy, but he gives me so much comfort and joy and he really makes me feel complete. So I NEED a dog.
More and more I was delving into my past, I was thinking of Pepe and how grateful I am that he was in my life. He really healed me. I felt like God sent me Pepe as a reward for overcoming anxiety. When full blown PA hit when I was in my 20's I felt depressed and horrible, as if my life had no meaning. If I felt crappy like that all the time, then I felt like I had no reason to live, I couldn't date anybody decent or mentally healthy because they would never understand me. Then one day i remember praying to God. I said "I will do whatever it takes to overcome this disorder, but instead you have to reward me,..I want to live overseas! I Hawaii is my top list! I also want a dog, but a dog that's so calm and doesn't bark and really good to me" That's the exact prayer I made. And Pepe came to my life. I took him as a reward. Even though a person who brought it to me, wasn't a reward, more like a nightmare but oh well.
I went through so much shit in my life. I am glad that I am still alive and kicking and that I haven't fallen off the path. This recent craziness with helping this lady has taken a toll on me too but I am doing the best I can to stay sane. It's all because of Rex too for being there for me, and I know he wants to go for walk but I am hesitant about going out so he is being patient with me. He probably barks at shady people because he senses that I fear them. I am just so fucked up. But I am staying positive.
Doing this test... It made me realize about how far I have come. My late 20's to 30's was wasted because of PD, it was a really horrible time. Because of that I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mom. I didn't want to pass on my anxiety to my child. because I knew how much I suffered. I also didn't think that I would make it for birthing my child because of my anxiety, I thought it was impossible. Now that I am trying because of my finance's help. PD interfered my life so much but I survived it somehow. I kept doing the live radio show even though I knew that was the source of my problem too. Doing radio show was a trigger for my panic attack sometime because that is where I had my first full blown. I was under so much stress.... being burglarized... grandma passed away not making it to the funeral... co-workers' sexual harassment...sarin incident and in total fear of flying to Kyusyu every week to do a radio show... break-up with then boyfriend... man it was crazy time.
It felt like my old self popped up, and it was kind of hard to deal with. Most of the time I try not to think about my past so much, but I had to think about it to register Rex so that we could continue to live here. I had forgotten how much PD stole my life opportunities, but how Pepe saved me get back on my feet, and to have a normal life. I am so thankful for Rex for living with us even though he had no choice. He came to us at such a young age separated from his mama, papa, sister. he made us a dad and mom. He may not have a huge yard to run around but he is surviving and living with us. He gives us so much joy. I remember my fiancé used to get more night anxiety and he would sleep on the couch and stuff before. but I feel like it gotten better over the years. Whenever he had anxiety, Pepe was always by his side too. He would sleep with him... Pepe was a really great buddy to my fiancé as well and I would like to think that Pepe comforted him as well.
Having rex is wonderful for us too to maintain a healthy relationship too. We talk about Rex as if we have a child. and I love that. When we are tired, we just love having him with us because he helps us heal. When we fight, he comes in between us, and he looks so sad and we start feeling bad... like a real child. So we make up.
But I came to realize that it all started with Pepe. If Pepe wasn't in my life, everything would have been different. After the last divorce, if it wasn't for pepe, maybe I would have never come back to Hawaii. i came back because he was here and I promised him that I will take care of him until the day he dies, I had to come back. he had tears in his eyes when I came back. I knew that he understood that I stick to my promise. If I didn't come back to Hawaii, I would have never met my fiancé. If it wasn't for him in my life, I probably wouldn't even be here, I am not sure what I would be doing by now.
Rex is definitely my emotional support dog, even though he still acts like a baby. But his presence means the world to me. He is filing in the gap of pepe who was truly my emotional support dog. Sometimes, the pressure was too much for Pepe because my stress was so much that I was dealing with. I felt bad that he had to take on so much stress coming from me. I am forever thankful for Pepe for my recovery with my mental health. The other day my fiancé was driving and I was next to him and the song came on, it was the song that my fiancé let me hear when Pepe passed away because he kept hearing the same song over and over. The song made me think of Pepe and I couldn't stop crying. This is when I was stressing about registering Rex. that same day, I heard a song by sting, which is not the same song but enough to make me think of Pepe again. I know Pepe was sending me some kind of sign that day.
This registering Rex was something I had to do all along. Pepe was such a quiet dog, that it was never necessary because nobody had a way of knowing that I had a dog. Maybe Pepe was trying to tell me that Rex is just as good of a emotional support animal for me. and that I need to approve him. Pepe definitely set a standard though. this past week I have been thinking about all kinds of things we did together, and how he helped me. He was so much a part of me. He was my emotional support. When he passed away, I lost that support. but 3 months later, Rex gave me that support. Now he is my official ESA. So much gratitude for Pepe. And Rex for taking over that duty.
Thank you Pepe for helping me with my healing journey.
