I used to go everywhere with Pepe. Simply because he was my best friend. Tonight I had a nervous breakdown and cried. My very few good friends are moving and I am very sad. Now I am stuck here with friends that are just "takers". I am tired of making those people' s lives better. I am tired of helping them and encouraging them when I need that more than anybody. Ever since Pepe passed away, I suffer from this feeling of emptiness. I wanted to fill that gap by either becoming a mom which miserably failed. I have not been able to find passion in anything I do. I tried to find my passion in other things than radio or TV for these last 5 years. but no luck. Ever since that asshole took everything away from me, I am nothing.
I tried to think of some things that I am grateful for, like my parents that are still alive and kicking even though they are not getting any younger and my dad is sick, but they are still with me in my life. They are the only people in my life that I count on. I am grateful for being able to live in Hawaii , and making ends meet somehow. But again, I can't do this without my dad's financial support. But I am not doing anything that gives me joy, none of what I do is based on my passion. My writing job is, but it pays so low it's ridiculous how much time I spend on writing for them. But I do it anyway because I think it makes me feel better doing something I enjoy doing. I drive a nice car (again thanks to my dad). I have a fiance 9 years younger than me who apparently wants to marry me, this old woman. Maybe life doesn't seem that bad for some. But I struggle so much. So much pain inside. Scar I was left when asshole took everything from me, stays there and keeps me angry. Because I can't seem to go back to being myself any more. I am somehow scared of being in public's eyes, especially in Hawaii because I don't know how this stupid Japanese community is going to react. I am tired of dealing with Japanese people in Hawaii.
The only way for me to do something work wise for my passion, is to go back to Japan. But I can't imagine myself going back to Japan. I miss my good long time friends and family. But I hate the society. Society that's so judgmental or age, gender, status and everything. I'd rather be free. I don't know what I am doing any more. I watch people who do what they love to do on TV or on social media and I get so discouraged. Again, I am left feeling like I am nothing.
When everything feels like going down the drain, I still have Rex. He is my temporarily child. He is not as sympathetic as Pepe was, but I think Pepe was too into my feelings and I think his energy was sometimes drained. So I think for Rex to be free and be flexible and balance out his life and my life is good, I guess.
Good friends are hard to find. I try to be a good friend to people but I feel like they took advantage of me so I am really discouraged and kind of shut the door on people. I am cautious of making instant friends, It takes time for me to trust people and I am always testing them to see if I can trust them. And I hate that. I used to be so naive and trusted everyone, just like my parents trusted everyone. I used to give all myself away so easily. I don't know if i ever go back to being myself again. Deep down I want to. But I am always struggling because I don't want to get hurt.
Meanwhile, my doggie friend is the best bet. Rex pretends like he is listening to me sometimes. I highly doubt it, but he is too little to be my friend. He is more like my son, and my child still. He comes and licks the tears for me, and I guess that's really appreciated, though. Maybe one day he will be like Pepe when he gets older, wise, nice and mellow. Never know.
Right, at least I have Rex in my life. A true friend right beside me.
