For about a month, I have been depressed and thinking in my head a lot. But today I am just exhausted of being depressed and I feel like I want to move on. I feel like I experienced enough of this horrendous feeling of being a failure, as a human being and as a woman, but motherhood just wasn't a choice for me until recently. I was a busy career-oriented woman.
My last ex-husband didn't want a child (on top of being a con man) so there goes 6- 7 years of my life and my fertility opportunity just totally wasted. But I got to at least experience being a mom to Pepe, until the day he died like I promised him when I took him in. I feel like it was the best thing I did in my life, ever. I loved being a mom to Pepe.
Pepe was obviously a dog that came from doggie mommy and daddy. I didn't obviously give birth to Pepe. But I loved him just as much as if he was my child. He was my best friend, best son, best everything to me. And I never questioned where he came from of whether I deserved to be his mom. I just wanted to pour out all my love for him. When he passed away, I felt the tremendous loss not just because of the fact that he passed away but because I felt the loss of my role as a mother. I knew Pepe wanted me to try to be a mom to a human baby.
I have been thinking about using donor egg as an choice, and my thoughts keep changing everyday. A part of me wants to be egoistic and still hang on to my genetics. But quite truthfully, 46 is at the limit. Using your own egg, you only have 0.3 % or less chance of getting pregnant. A part of me wants to believe the psychic and try again the regular way. It depends on my financial situation too but I feel like physically and most of all, mentally IVF cycle takes a huge toll on you. The disappointment you feel when it fails, is nothing that I have ever experienced before. And it got worse as more time went by. While I was doing IVF, all that injections and tons of medicines wasn't that bad. I thought I could handle all that no problem. It was scary injecting a needle on your own body, but once I done it, I got used to it. Now I understand how injections works! But this dissapointment is nothing compared to like job interview or college acceptance. It's about creating a human and that feeling is heavy.
I decided to email my american host mother who took care of me in California when I was a high school student. She has a son who she did artificial insemination because her ex-husband had no sperms, so she had to get a sperm donor. They almost tried adoption too but they got a call after he was born. And they didn't need to do that any more.
She told me to go for it. She explained that the lack of biological connection won't matter to a child. its less important because you will be raising the child and he/she will be so much like you because she/he will have your values.
And then I thought, that's true. Pepe was much like me because he had my values and my behavioral pattern. He actually barked the first time when I met him, but since I am such a calm person (most of the time anyway) he became more calm and at ease, and he also became a celebrity because I used to take him to my workplace. He took on so much likeness of me because I raised him.
It might be crazy to compare a dog and a human baby but I finally feel like that the genetics won't matter after all. Sure, it will be great to have your own child of your own genetics. It will be joyous to see similarity of your looks and personality in your child. But at least my fiance will get to experience that. Maybe Pepe is telling me that genetics doesn't matter as long as you love the child because the child will come out of your body.
My priority was that I wanted to teach my kids my values. When you think about it. it's not the DNA that will teach the kids your values. I am much like my dad and also my mom but I don't know if it 's because of their DNA. I think it is more to do with a fact that I watched them treating people so well and how they lived their life so sincere and humble and I learned from their behavior, and wanted to be just like them. When you are rebellious during your adulthood. you deny them, but later you want to be just like them. I think that's how you teach your kids your values, by spending time with them and being a good example to them.
Maybe these 4 embryos that went into my body are just the reflection of my life up until now. I had 2 abortion, and 2 miscarriage. I had 4 embryos in my life that tried to live but couldn't. I was not ready. So, God is just saying, sorry time is up. Here's the picture as a token of your past. 4 embryos tried again but failed. because never meant to happen. And just simply,. time is up for my egg and my genetics.
I thought it would be cool to have kids that would have my genetics because even after i die, my genetics will carry on in this world and somehow gets passed on. But the thing is my kids are their own human being, their own person and I don't matter. Maybe DNA might play a role a little bit. but once again. it's the values he/she will learn from their parents that will make them who they are.
Unfortunately, quite realistically, chances are way too slim for me. So how about I go to the route of donor egg, because you never know if I could still get pregnant with donor eggs either. You have to still think if that doesn't work, then what are you going to do.
Either way, I think one huge thing missing from my life is to become a mother. I just want a child. I want happy family with Clay and Rex and hopefully a few more doggies in the future. And I am pretty sure I can be a good mother because Pepe gave me confidence. Everyone told me that I was the best mama to Pepe. I know I can do the same, to a human baby, even though the baby doesn't carry my genetics. Nurturing and loving and raising the child and teaching them your values is the most important thing. Not your DNA.