Last night I had a vivid dream of Pepe. My old radio producer was holding the leash for Pepe, and she let that go. He got run over by a car and died. I was screaming and didn't know why this was happening. I started questioning in my own dream .... like Wait. Pepe is already dead. Why is getting run over and dying again? And i woke up. I don't understand why it was my old producer who was holding his leash. And especially because she was such a dog lover I couldn't imagine her to be that irresponsible.
So I looked up on the internet to find the meaning. Maybe it is not even accurate but I wanted to know why I had such a dream. The article said when your dog get run over and die, it usually means that you are facing or dealing with the loss of friendship. And it somehow made sense.
Last night I went out with a friend. She is super jealous of everything about me. Sometimes she gets super bitchy, selfish and self-centered and I can't deal with it. It's just not fun to carry on the conversation and I'd rather not talk. When I talk, she looks bored. Its only since I came to Hawaii that I have such a hard time finding good friends. That's why when I had Pepe, he was all I needed and didn't really need a whole lot of friends. None of the people give me any decent advise nor they actually listen to me, they just wanted to get to know me to find gossip or some negative news from me so that they can laugh at me with other people. so I just felt like I didn't really need a friend.
I never had a problem with that in Japan. It just seems like Japanese people in Hawaii are so jealous. They are jealous of my career, jealous of my family, jealous of the success I had. They just can't be happy for me. When I am just genuinely nice and good to people. they cant believe it. They think it's an act. Why can't they just accept that some people are just raised to be nice?
I have been really depressed lately. Ever since that 3/20 bad news, I have been feeling empty, alone, negative, and have lost all my confidence as a human being and as a woman. I prefer to stay home most of the time these days because I basically avoid people, (because I end up just hanging out with useless, non-caring people) I tried to spend time with people hoping that might distract my thoughts and feelings, but it all turned out to be worse. I'd much rather be just alone. But I know it won't help me at all and make the situation worse.
Luckily when I am home alone, I have Rex. He's been nicer but he still is a little kid and needs a lot of attention. I just get irritated when he bugs the hell out of me and bites me and stuff. I used to talk to Pepe a lot and he would just hang out with me all mellow and just listen to me, like a good friend would do. I can't quite do that with Rex.
After having a weird night with that jealous girlfriend, I kind of had a regret for pushing myself to go out. I don't have money and didn't even have to do that. The other day I met with another friend of mine and 8/10 the conversation was her complaining about her guy who doesn't take her seriously and quite frankly never will. One friend I went out the other night too she is not seriously concerned about me because she has what she wants and shallow and still wants to bitch about everything because she is just not happy for some reason.
Its hard to find a good friend.
I am hopeless because two of my friends who always stick up for me are leaving the island. I know that I will be connected with them even if they move away, but that news made me feel worse. One of them is getting cancer treatment and couldn't afford to expensive treatment in Hawaii no more so she will have to move to mainland. Another friend of mine, totally unexpected, but her husband got a new job in mainland so she is closing her business and moving away. They always stood by me. (and they weren't Japanese but local friends) So, I don't know if I can say I have any good friends at all after they leave.
So, I guess that dream I had last night, was somehow telling me that I am losing a good friend, and...what? What do I do now? Do I go back to Japan so I can be closer to my good friends? Also because I can find better jobs?
I feel like, nobody give a fxxk about me.
And why did Pepe got run over not by my fault but by somebody else's fault? by the last person that I thought was irresponsible? Well, maybe its Pepe's way of telling me that you never know about friends when and how they are going to turn their back on you. So maybe I need to keep my mouth shut. Maybe I need to just stay solo anyway and just be alone. Who cares? My fiance has this car group of people who he considers family and he keeps making friends left and right all in the name of cars. I can't make friends like that. But whatever, this is my life. I need to keep only positive friends around me. Maybe that dream was Pepe's way of saying you don't have to try so hard and let the sadness sink in and out of your body when it had enough. Maybe if I go back to Japan, I feel better. Change of scenary and people might do me good.
I just feel alone and feel like I am dying alone. Especially since because it looks like my genetics is ending anyway.
I wish Pepe was still here with me.