I have been thinking about Pepe a lot for some reason recently. I don't know why. I guess I am feeling "alone" a lot these days. I suppose I am feeling a little bit detached from the world.
Pepe was my baby, my everything. He and I shared some seriously intimate moments together in my life. Good and bad, majority bad, LOL. Life here in Hawaii for me, wasn't easy. He was the best thing that came out of my last divorce, though. He was there to really support me in every step of the way.
Fiance and I are talking about moving. Moving to Las Vegas because homes are cheaper there. Rex will have much bigger house to run around and a backyard to run around. Living in the house will be nice, but I wouldn't know anybody there. At this age, it's hard to start over. I have already done it once, to get settled in Hawaii wasn't easy. It took me at least 10 years to get comfortable here. And now we are moving?
Maybe it will be okay because we have Rex. Just like with Pepe, when you have a dog, you socialize with people through your dog. You meet people through your dog. So Rex actually might help that situation. But I am scared of leaving everything behind. It took me a lot to get used to my new car because my last car had so much memory with Pepe. i have so much memory with Pepe, and with my parents and family, and pretty much every place I go, I associate it with that particular memory with people. It feels like my memory with Pepe will be even more weak when I leave here. I am not going to be close to ala moana park where we took a walk together. Plus our place, this condo had so much memory with Pepe...it took him a while to get used to pee on the lanai, poor thing... but he got it right away... I feel like all that is going to be taken away from me.
I mean, I love Rex too. He fills in that empty gap for me. But Rex and I do not have that strong of a bond just yet. He favors my fiance too for whatever reason, too. Maybe he senses that I am not over Pepe yet. He turned one and that was great, but sometimes I feel like he is a stranger. I guess I was like that with Pepe in the beginning as well, during the getting to know each other stage.
I am just scared. Because I don't know if there is going to be enough support for me in Vegas. I can't rely on everything to my fiance and rex for mental support but I don't make instant family. it takes time to get to know people and trust them. especially after everything that has happened to me. I just feel really lonely sometimes. My fiance has his world and he is self sufficient and I feel like he doesn't need me, and I feel like Rex is very much the same way like my fiance, very self sufficient and doesn't need me as much as Pepe did, so sometimes I am like. what am I here for? why do I even exist?
So hopefully God is planning to give me my last chance to give me my baby, a human baby so I can love this creature just like I loved Pepe, and will gain a sense of satisfaction, feeling loved, and all that.
recently I am kind of starting to forget who I am, or who I became after my divorce. I thought I have become very independent, and strong, but lately I feel like i am in the need of attention, affection and all that cheap stuff like a high school girl. I need a solid foundation. but I am afraid to try. I am afraid to leave everything behind, everything that I have earned since I came to Hawaii. I am not sure if I have guts to do it all over again, especially when it's Vegas. If it's LA, maybe a different story. I feel like I am just floating on a big pond, not knowing what to do or where to go. Sometimes I can get excited but sometimes I get so nervous and afraid... just lack courage.
I want Pepe to show up in my dream to tell me something, whether if I am doing everything right. I just miss that strong support and strong bond... so much unknown for the future... just wish I could cuddle with Pepe...