April 28 until May 22 is when Mercury is in retrograde. I have recently learned a little bit about this phenomenon and was actually pretty surprised because it IS affecting me and it did start happening right around April 28. I read the article about how it helps to deal with this period by going back to past and sort out your feelings. I have been delving into past a lot after reading this article and I think it is helping me a lot. Even though I still had a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication happened already.
Today I keep having this vision of Pepe at the vet on his last day. I don't know why. It's probably because of this Mercury Retrograde and got is forcing me to deal with some emotion that is not fully being dealt with yet.
He got checked in to get IV shot and dialysis. I left him at the hospital in the morning but went back to see him around 3pm and stayed with him for about an hour until I had to go to my first interpretation class at UH. This is him the last time I saw him. He was hunching like this because of the pain, and leaning on the wall. When I went to visit him that afternoon, he looked at me real slowly and not that he showed his excitement but I knew he was happy. I brought his favorite dolphin, Ms Rocket Pants and he seemed to be happy. I also sprayed that area with my frankincense flower essence mist and he sniffed a little and seemed like he was happy.
When time was up and I had to go, I told him "Everything will be fine and you will be okay, you will be better...s'o hang in there okay? " I kissed him and pet him a little, and when I was leaving, he had this saddest look that I have ever seen. He had a tendency to get like little wrinkle around his eyebrow area when he was sad, but that wrinkle was so obvious and he looked extremely sad. Like it was the saddest day of his life. Well, because It was. He seemed like he was disappointed that I was leaving, and he seemed like it was the end, like he will never see me again. He was right, I never got to see him alive again after that.
That image is still vivid in my memory. I feel so sad and sorry that I never got to stay by his side when he took last breath. I try to think to myself that he was such a nice dog and knew how fragile I am, that he didn't want me to see him go, and suffer, because he knew what kind of impact that would have on me. That is why he left without me or anyone around him, peacefully and fast enough not to prolong that sadness of suffering.
I still would like to know if he was really okay leaving the world like that without me. Or if he wanted me by his side...