It has been over three months. I still think about Pepe everyday. I have been feeling sad and melancholy recently because I am getting a new car. Why sad about a new car? It's because I have to let go of the one I have with so much memory of Pepe attached to it. It's not that I needed a brand new car at this time that badly, but with my boyfriend obsessed with his new car and him bringing up about getting me a new car and it just kind of went from there.
I had this car for the last 10 years. I have lived in Hawaii for the last 12 years so I pretty much shared all my time with this car. I got my first chevy Malibu with money that I got from my grandma. I had a hard time letting go of that one too because I was so appreciative to my grandma for helping me with that car back then. I was 34, new to Hawaii and no money (that hasn't really changed much but..lol) It kept breaking down on me but I spent a lot of time alone in that car crying. I only had Malibu for 2 years, but then that was enough too because I couldn't trust that car. So I was really happy when I got my scion XB.
Pepe and I went driving everywhere in this tiny little car. He would always hang out in my navigator seat just chilling. I have so much memory with this car for the last 10 years of my life, ups and downs. This car really saved my life and helped me grow. This car was so trustworthy and gas was great too. I loved everything about this car and I totally car drive this one for the next few years or so if I have to until it starts giving me problems. I am perfectly fine with this one, but I just felt like I needed a upgrade. My dad knew that I had my car for long time too, and he thought I had to eventually change. Last time I went back to Japan, he said he would help me out because for safety, he is perfectly fine with the idea of helping me out.
So now that the car is selected, ready for the upgrade, I am just extremely anxious and panicky. I have to learn all about my new car and get used to it. But before all of that, all these memories attached to this car is hard letting go and making me cry. I have tons of great memory, but a lot of extremely sad ones too.
My doggie mommy friend said that she had a hard time letting go of the car too when she recently changed to a new one, because it had so much of her first dog's fur. She felt exactly the same way as I am feeling right now. My car is the same way, it has so much Pepe's fur and I felt comfortable because of that. But now I have to let go. I have some of Pepe's hair that the vet cut for me, so it's not like I am going to lose it all, but someone else is going to own this car now.
All I remember was of Pepe being mellow and super cute in my navigator seat but the day he passed away, when I brought him home, he was this heavy item wrapped up in the blanket. Not moving. I cried so much when I saw this that day.
I feel like all this is happening because maybe time to let go of all my past and recreating a whole new life. More and more I think about it, I feel like Pepe passed away because he really wanted me to start over. With a new dog, new man, new life, new family maybe. Pepe was after all my ex's dog. I didn't know him during his childhood. I wish I knew him, but he belonged to somebody else then. Maybe he felt responsible that I took so much responsibility for him, so that he made sure that I was in good hands, and he felt like he could go now. He wasn't the most healthiest dog in the world either, so maybe he wasn't meant to last 13 years either. But he really tried. And he made it easy for me by going so casually, that he wouldn't hurt my bank, or nothing too much. He didn't make me suffer more than his death had to. He really was a perfect dog.
I feel like Pepe passed away for me to move on with my life and leave the past behind. And I have to let go of the car that a lot of my past is attached to it as well now. I really feel like this is such a transitional period this year, to officially move on with my life and start a new chapter. Hey, maybe we will get a new place too, haha.
That day of the cremation, I took him in my car like this to the vet for cremation people to pick him up. I talked to him the whole way there, and asked him to give me signs from heaven from time to time. He never responded when I talked to him anyway while he was alive too, so it didn't seem to bother me. I felt like I was driving with him again one more time.
This was his seat, forever and ever. I'm probably gonna cry when I see my car go.
