2 months have passed since Pepe passed away. It does not get any easier. I spent the night bowling my eyes out even though I had work the next day and had to be in the spotlight. I didn't care even though my eyes were all swollen. I could not control my tears.
I realize more and more as the days go by that he truly was my best friend. He was my baby, best friend and probably like a miniature boyfriend as well. He really was everything to me. I can now accept the fact that he is gone and not coming back. His physical being is completely gone and turned into ashes. Recently it has hit me that I don't have enough sense of happiness being filled with love and support. When I had a stressful day, he was always there to comfort me. I used to talk to him a lot even though I wasn't sure if he understood, but I used to tell him all kinds of things and share my deepest emotion.
Of course he never gave me advice or reacted to anything I said, but that is all I wanted, I guess. Isn't that what best friends are all about anyway? To be there for you?
I know a lot of people, friends and such, but I viewed Pepe as my true best friend. He knew all about me, especially the struggling me. So since he's gone, I feel like I lost my best friend. That's why it seems like it's taking so much more to overcome fatigue. I get extremely lonely. If I am not doing something, I start thinking about my life and how it seems meaningless now since Pepe is gone. Well, I have my family and my boyfriend and have things to still look forward to in life. But I am at the point where I don't care if something happens to me because I get to be closer to Pepe. Sounds awful but it sucks not having a best friend around.
I don't know if I can find a replacement for Pepe. I miss him terribly.