Today my boyfriend has left to go back to California for a week. It was exactly one month since Pepe passed away. To be alone during this one month anniversary is not so easy but he hadn't gone back to Cali for like 4 years. He deserves a trip back.
When I came home, I realized that I left a door open by force of habit. The reason...? so that way Pepe can go to the bathroom at the lanai anytime he wants to go. Now no need to keep the door open like this.
Earlier, fireworks went up. It goes up every friday night in Waikiki. I looked for Pepe to make sure he is not scared again. Only to realize he's not here.
I am all by myself and realized when I go somewhere, I don't have to feel bad or guilty for Pepe. I need to travel a lot while I am guilt-free. Beause I am sure one day soon, we will get another dog.
It's been one month since he's gone. One whole month. I got to travel to Japan with Pepe and got to do a lot. I go through up's and down's of course, but I am starting to accept the fact that he is gone. I am finally trying to deal with some stuff that I had put on hold.
I decided to not take the job that doesn't understand my value. I thought this was something that Pepe planed for me so I was bummed. It might have worked if it was arranged right, but right now the way it is, their offer is ridiculous. Maybe later on it will take a different turn, but I was bummed about it because I seriously thought this was something Pepe helped me with.
He knew how much I hated not having a career that I enjoy now. I used to enjoy my job. I didn't have to struggle finding what I loved to do. But when radio was out of the picture, I really didn't know what to do. If I lived in Japan, it will be easy to host a few different shows and it will be a decent income. But I can't make a living working for radio stations here in Hawaii.
So I didn't know why all this happened to me now. Was I supposed to be worrying about this so that way I won't only be thinking about Pepe's loss and keep my mind occupied? Was I supposed to learn about who to trust once again and for all? Was I supposed to realize that I am not a business oriented woman and should just forget about $$$ and concentrate on something else like starting my family? I don't know. Maybe one day things will fall into place and make sense.
I am really tired today. Tired from everything. This past month was like going through the storm. It was such an emotional rollercoaster month. But this experience somehow helped me to put things in perspective. Now that the chinese new year came, I feel like things are starting to look up. (So I would like to believe) I had a lot of loss last year. But I hope this new year of monkey will bring us lots of joy and happiness.
I was listening to this radio station's morning show this morning after I dropped off my boyfriend at the airport. They were talking about how ridiculous it is to prepare chocolate and gifts like flowers for your dogs. They were joking and saying " oh they'd be like pooping on flowers and walking all over the chocolates" Well, I don't care what they think, but I will continue to celebrate Valentine's day with Pepe.
Last year I made him a special steak dinner, and bought these heart shaped treats. You know what, I think he actually enjoyed it.
Dogs are family. You should treat them like you would to your human loved ones.
1 month has passed. And on this day, I am all by myself. No boyfriend to pat on my shoulder, no dog to lick my tears. But for some odd reason, I don't feel so alone. I feel so much love inside, from both my dog and my boyfriend.