Just going through some old pictures of Pepe... this was when I came back to Hawaii after going back to Japan for 2 months. He was so happy to see me and he literally cried with tears rolling down from his eyes. I thought dogs don't cry but I realized that they do.
When I first got him, his bed was in the bathroom during the day and was separated by a fence to make sure he won't pee all over the place. He used to stare at me from this bed like this. I felt bad for him, and as I got to know him better, I realized that he was harmless and a super well-behaved dog. So I got rid of the fence and got him out of the bathroom and let him hang out with people. I never liked dogs being outside of the house either. And this little guy seemed too good to be stuck in the bathroom.
I don't use schedule book any more since it's all on my phone, but before I used to use this big old schedule book. Sometimes he would just put his face on it as if he was telling me to stop work and just smell the roses.
He was in every book I published. This was my 2nd book. First book, he was all over my book as well. My next book whenevre it's going to be published, will be the first one without Pepe :(
always, always by my side....
and...always lots of kisses....
Everyday I am trying to make a sense of death. I have a habit of doing this with everything that happens to my life. I always try to find a reason to get to the bottom of the things and then figure out what I am supposed to learn from the experience.
Today I was thinking about the reason why he passed away when he did. I do know for a fact that he died with a relief, because he thought I was in good hands. I think he was able to tell that we were happy especially this year. His mission was over to make sure that I was going to be okay. And that got me thinking.... I wonder if he ever felt obligated or felt bad because I took him away from my ex?
Well, I only know him from when he was 5 years old so I don't know anything about his early life. All I know is that my ex and his ex wife went to Pet Central on Nimitz highway (not sure if it exists any more) and found him and bought him there. He spent his first chapter of his life with them. So I wonder if he ever felt "adopted" by me, even though I dedicated all my love and life for him as if he was my baby. I took full responsibility of him.
In the beginning, I am not going to lie but I did feel a little bit uncomfortable about taking care of the dog that my ex and his ex-wife adored. I guess it was just like being a step mom to someone. But that feeling soon went away and I just loved him like crazy. I felt like I was meant to meet Pepe in my life and that he was truly "my" baby now.
I am not sure if my boyfriend ever felt that way about Pepe in the beginning also. He knew that I hijacked Pepe from my ex. But he was so good to Pepe. SO good to him. Pepe ended up having a different owner in his 13 year life. I am sure it wasn't so easy for him. He was always so good to people but maybe it was part of his survival so that he could have ended up in anyone's care.
When I got divorced, some very few people told me to let go of Pepe because he stemmed from my old life and he will make me think of my old life. They said, it will be too much hassle...you're trying to rebuild your life.... who's gonna pay for the medical bills and medicines...etc. but I didn't want to break the promise I made to Pepe. I promised him that I was going to take care of him until the day he died.
I am glad I got to keep him. And the weird part is he had his heart murmur all throughout the time when I was with my ex, to the point it was so bad that the vet told me to prepare for the worst. But since I took him, his heart murmur got better and eventually it went away. My vet thought that it was a miracle. Maybe it was stress. Who knows? For that reason alone, I would like to think that he was happy with me. Happy with us.
Pepe never became a trigger for me to think about my ex or my old life. I often thought about the fact that it would have been nice if I got to spend more time with him because he was such a nice dog. Especially if I knew what he must have been like when he was a puppy, that would have been so cool. But Pepe's presence was totally unrelated to my old life and he made me so happy. He helped me recover and rebuild my life for better.
But I wondered if it ever made Pepe feel like he owed us ....or grateful because his first chapter of his life sucked. But he was a part of his first chapter of his life too so ...maybe he felt like it was time for him to go because he wanted us to start a new chapter... as in with another dog from a puppy, and not be stuck with him. I don't know.
I am just trying to figure out a zillions of reasons why he left us. Especially after seeing Anela, I just feel like Pepe has really moved on. Not that I moved on but feel like he has moved on. i know he is with me always in spirit but it almost feels the time I got to spend with him was like a dream, and that he is getting ready to do whatever he has to do next.
I was told by a psychic long time ago that Pepe and I are partners in crime (lol) and that Pepe and I go through reincarnation together and always in each other's life. Was that it for me or are you coming back as other spirit while I am still around in this world?
Whatever the circumstance is, you're my dog and you're my love. I didn'nt care how you came into my life. I just accepted you as who you are and loved you to death. I will probably get another dog and will try my best to find a dog that looks like you, which is impossible. But I hope to remember all the good times I had with you with a new dog in my life. I am sure you will help me find the right one. ....
Wait..let's get back to the pictures some more... This is with Jimmy Buffett. He sang songs in the studio live and Pepe was wiggling his tails the whole time. Uncle Jimmy said Pepe was his first canine fan/audience and just loved him. Way to go Pepe!
This is when my Pepe bag was still somewhat new.... bought it at the store across from the radio studio long time ago. He didn't want to be left alone and rather spend time in this little bag to be with me.
This is the picture of the last time I got to see Pepe right beforeI was going back to Japan for a while. My life was a mess and I just had to go back to Japan to sort things out. I didn't have a place to live, I had nobody to count on, and I lost work.
In that messed up situation, I wasn't able to keep Pepe and had no choice. I put him through so much stress during this time as well. Because he was moved around and his caretaker's place kept swicthing places. I can't imagine how he felt. I was in a deep shit thinking oh my god I am going to lose Pepe too? Just couldn't stand a thought of it. If I really had lost Pepe, too, I think I might have really ended my life there. It was just a horrible time of my life that everything that I had built, got destroyed and taken away from me. So I had to do whatever it takes to get Pepe back into my life. He was the only thing I had or made me happy at that time.
He licked so much tear off from my face. I still get teary eyes thinking about when I had to leave him and go back to Japan. I felt helpless, pathetic, and just extremely sad and heartbroken. I looked into bringing him back to Japan but because of qurantine it wasn't possible in such a short amount of time. He had heart condition at that time too so the vet didn't recommend Pepe to get on a flight for such a long time. I remember taking this picture as a reminder of the saddest day of my life, and how Pepe was there to support me.
Pepe always encouraged and supported me. I miss having him around because I still have up's and down's everyday and need a dog to hold in my arms. He made it seem like everything was going to be okay. This one little hug with this little guy... please come back to me, in any shape or form I don't care.
I need you in my life. because you're my baby, you're my love.