I went to see this "animal communicator" today in hope of finding some kind of closure. Her name is "Anela" meaning angel in Hawaiian. She has this little office right across from Don Quijote in Ala Moana. I interviewed her long time ago for my radio show for some other thing she was doing at that time and later on, I found out she started doing animal communicator after volunteering at Humane Society and constantly hearing animals voices and she thought she had to use that to help people.
About 2 years ago, I took Pepe to see Anela. It was his birthday and wanted to do something special. She spoke of so many things that only Pepe and I knew and a lot of things made sense to me. I definately took advice of what she said and he seemed to be happy.
He was always there for me when I was down. I think he felt responsible for me somehow. This tiny little furry guy was always trying so hard to make me happy.
So here's the conversation I had with Pepe through Anela's "translation". I am probably missing a few things because I wasn't allowed to record the conversation but I jotted down on a paper as much as I could. This is all so personal but this is for me to remember.
Me: So...you were trying to tell me something at ER. What were you trying to say?
Pepe: My tummy was really bloated and I needed to fart. I had so much gas and it hurt my tummy. Something was stuck in there and it was really uncomfortable.
Me: mm ok... you didn't go dig into anyting bad did you?
Pepe: No. I didn't go into anything you thought it was.
Me: then what were you trying to tell me at home the night before I took you to the vet?
Pepe: (showing anela his butthole, a little red and swollen) My butt was really uncomfortable.
Me: Did something bite you? What was it? Spider or bee or what was it?
Pepe: Nothing bit me. I had umconfortable things in my body that bothered me sometimes, but it was' so bad. I had it for 2-3 (years/months/wks...don't know) and didn't even know what to do. Even if you knew and did surgery, I didn't think it made any difference. You know I hated hospitals.
(This made me realize maybe it wasn't bee or spider, and that his tumor just popped. Since he had it all over his body when my vet finally shaved his hair off his body, not sure if it was cancer.)
Me: You were alone when you died. Weren't you sad? I promised you that I will stay with you until the day you die.
Pepe: Mommy, I didn't want you to see me that way. If you saw when I died, that picture would have stayed with you forever and keep repeating over and over in your head and made you suffer. I didn't want that for you. Besides I didn't suffer so much when I died.
Pepe : Things are still the same mama. I am always with you. Do you remember the red ribbon(leather) ? I have good memory of that. Please take care of that to remind us.
*** (I couldn't think of what that was at that time when Anela brought this up. But later on I realized it was about this collar accessories my friend bought for me. Her kids picked this up for us in Japan to show our bonding)
Mama: I brought some of your ashes in Japan without your permission. Was that okay?
Pepe: No I don't mind at all. I am everywhere. Plus I am really happy that my grandma put some odango (mochi sweets) for me. It looked so yummy.
Mama : Is there anything you wish you could have done in your life?
Pepe: I enjoyed my life, mama. There is no regret.
Mama: You used to get sick before I went to Japan. Did you rush to die because you knew that I was going to Japan?
Pepe : No, It had nothing to do with that.
Pepe : My right side rear leg was hurting so much. It hurt so much more than my stomach. It was hard for me to walk. I really didn't want you to see me that way. Besides I felt relieved these days. You had a lot of things that happened to you and I was worried about you. I couldn't die because I
wanted to make sure you were okay. A few years ago, you weren't okay. But things were starting
to get better for you and now I felt confident that you were in a good hands so I felt relieved.
Mama: I am sorry that I was being such a huge pressure to you.
Pepe : No mama, we both tried. We both have come a long way together. We both have grown
together and supported each other. It wasn't like I was only there for you. You were always there for me, too. We both tried. And recently I was relieved. Because I knew you were okay because of my buddy.
Pepe : Oh and the yellow blanket that I used to use, I have lots of good memories too.
Pepe: Don't cry and be sad so much mama. You have to look up and stay positive. And if something (some other dog) comes along the way, please don't feel bad for me to get another dog. Do not hesitate, okay? Because you definatley need a dog in your life, mama. You are the kind of person who needs a dog in your life. It will happen so please don't feel bad.
Mama: What do you wish for me in my life now that you are not here? What do you want for me?
Pepe : (showing Anela a huge white poll looking things that's hanging from the ceiling) You know eaxctl what you should do with your life. We saw this together remember? I support you 100%.
***( this actually was about stalactitite cave representing a male part in a cave where I visited in Okinawa a few weeks ago. I took Pepe's ashes with me there. This thing was a symble of new birth, or blessing for babies and tells me that he wanted us to start family. Also this convince me that Pepe really was there in spirit with me when we traveled to Japan)
Pepe: (showing Anela a white dog) I worry about him. He is such a rascal dog and he gets scolded a lot because he gets in trouble a lot. I go viist him sometimes at his mommy's salon.
Mama: All your toys and things... what do you want me to do?
Pepe : I know it makes you sad, mama. I look at you and see you sad. When you feel ready, you can get
rid of them or pack it up so you won't have to see them. No rush, but it's hard for me to see you suffer because it doesn't bring you good times with me but makes you sad. Just don't throw them away in a dumpster.
Mama: Is there anything I could do for you now?
Pepe : I was happy about dango treats at grandma's place. Those Japanese treats looked so yummy. So,
I want cookies for me in Hawaii.
Mama: When I left for a class when you got checked in to the hospital. you looked so sad and it ended
being the last time to see you. I promised that I will be there beside you until the last breath. Did you know it was going to be the last time? You looked so......so.....sad.
Pepe: I didn't want you to sacrifice something because of me. I hated that. I never wanted you to not
work or not do something because of me. I wanted you to do what you had to do without me being your baggage. I did think maybe it could be the last time. I was sad. But I didnt want to tell you not to leave, either. I didn't want your life to be on hold because of me.
I was at her office for like 3-4 hours. If I was a regular customer, I am sure she would have said time is up, time for you to go. She was nice enough to let me stay and talk story until I felt better.
Talking to Anela (or talking to Pepe through her) did give me some sort of closure. That he was suffering silently, because I did notice his bumps over his body but none of us thought anything was wrong with it. It didn't even show up on blood test except that his kidley level was getting worse. Maybe it wasn't the bee or spider because there was no way possible that he would have been bitten by something because he was home all the time and I paid close attention to him at the park when we did go out.
It's too late to question how he died. But I think what matters is how he lived. And I think he lived a pretty happy life. He said he was happy because his mommy was so dedicated to him and loved him so much.
Anela said something about the picture with his red ribbon and at first I thought he was talking about this picture above. Maybe he was talking about both. I did have that Pepe & Sachi collar band too but this was something I made with Iphone app on my birthday. He seemed like he was in pain and I put him on a pillow. It seemed like it was easy to lay down this way.
i knew he waited until my birthday was over. He did throw up one time on my birthday but overall he tried to really hang in there and seemed to be okay. Well, he didn't seem perfectly okay and that's why we only went out for lunch and never went out for dinner (oh we did grab sushi real quick in our neighborhood though). He really tried to be in good spirit for my birthday. This was the last birthday that I got to celebrate with Pepe. The next day he got sick and from there it went down so fast.
So this picture really proves me his love, his strength, his loyalty, and his fighting spirit. Who knew how sick he was this day, but he really tried to hang in there and try to act normal for me. When he died 2 days after my birthday, at first I was thinking ...oh boy from now on, my birthday will always be reminded of his death. But now, I don't think that's gonna be the case.
I think I will be reminded of his love every year, and my heart will be warm thinking there was this special someone who went out of his way to make my birthday special. His name was Pepe.