These pictures are only a few weeks ago when I went to Ala Moana Park with Pepe. He was just fine... why did he have to go so soon?
I went back to our regural walking route to Ala Moana's magic island for the first time since I got back from Japan. Today was the first time I went completely without him. I read in the article about pet loss that it was one of the typical behvaiour of the pet owners to go back to their walking route again. Obviously I am suffering from pet loss. But I just had to do it. This was comforting because it made me feel closer to him. I obviously missed seeing sights of Pepe there but it made me feel like he was with me.
Then I started getting upset like ...why did you go so soon? I was planning to spend at least a few more years with him. I was trying to make a sense of his death, and the reason why he had to go so soon. Some people have said that 13 years is long for small dogs. Considering all the medical conditions he had, maybe he did live longer than expected. But still....
and I blame myself like ...I could have him started on getting emergency medical help sooner if money wasn't issue, why didn't ER doctors notice his lump? Maybe I wasn't being a good mommy to him and if somebody else took care of him maybe he lived longer... There are way too many what if's and I could have's. But the fact is...he's gone.
Well, I know one of the reasons he left was because he knew that his buddy (my boy) will take care of me and wanted us to move on to the next chapter, that I know. But seriously why? You were supposed to spend more time with me! It was too short, way too short.
I know Pepe was worried about me, my career and my life... After his death, a lot has happened but I don't feel like doing anything because I am just drowning. and I don't know what he wants for me. I don't know how my life is going to be without him. I also feel like no matter how hard I try with my career or whatever, Pepe is not going to be around in my life to celebrate with me. I mean, yes he is with me in spirits but his physical cuteness is out of my reach.
When I held him in my arms, everything seemed okay, no matter what was happening in my life. Now I don't have that any more and I am not sure if I can carry on without my safety blanket. I don't have anything to turn to. Boy, it must have been a huge pressure to him to be with me.
I spoke to him loudly so he can hear. And I looked up to the sky. Clouds appeared out of nowhere and it looked like I 💓...like a heart.
I know you love me, Pepe. I asked you to give me lots of signs from heaven and you did it again. But I miss you so much and it's killing me inside that you're not here with me any more.